Monday, August 4, 2014

A Night Without Words

I'm an English major, and tonight I'm all out of words.

I guess that makes sense. English majors can tire of words too, I hope... we are people after all. Confession: I've never been that exceptional student-scholar, who revels in locking herself in dusky libraries with a plate of philosophy and poetry for lunch. I've wanted to be that student at times, but it's just not me. (This is probably the reason I changed my mind about attending Oxford.) I'm the girl who will burst through the glass doors into the sunlight and run through the campus fields with the wind in my hair and an Owl City track on my iPod. Then I'll write that poetry about the experience afterward. During my first year as a Creative Writing emphasis, I definitely felt a little guilty about my non-conformist English major image. I hate depressing literature (even though most of my own artistic attempts, musical or literary, tend to gravitate towards melancholy); I don't read literary journals for fun; and to this day I still don't own a Moleskine. Nothing against any of this. I've just had to reconcile that it's not me-- at least it's not the entirety of my identity. If I were a pie (let's say coconut cream), the writer/English slice would take up about 1/4 of it. And the few shredded pieces of coconut on top are those rare moments of inspiration, when my creative attempts are actually successful.

Tonight I'm not here to talk about anything abstract. No definitions of manhood or eternity. :) I've realized that I set unrealistic expectations for my blog posts. I either want to create a work that is both transformational and original, or I know people like to be known for what they do, what their career is, what their field of specialty is, what their status is, etc. But really, I would much rather be known for being a person than a student, a writer, a pianist, a tutor, an employee or anything else. More important than any of those titles, I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend, and a lover of Jesus Christ. I never want to be so defined by one particular thing I do that I can't connect with people on every other level too.

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